I've made up my mind. I don't want to have baby boy circumcised. There's just one problem: I have a partner (M) who happens to be the father of baby boy, and we are not in agreement.
When I originally asked M about his thoughts on circumcision, he seemed nonchalant about the whole procedure and said I was putting too much thought into something I don't need to worry about. Upon further investigation, M does have strong feelings. Lauren was right when she commented on my last circumcision post, saying "...when M says, 'Don't worry about it,' maybe there's more to it?"
Here's the scoop. When M was in junior high, he and his friends discovered that one of their classmates was intact. Apparently, that tidbit of knowledge spread like wildfire through the rest of the school, and M and his friends "crucified" the guy. Now, I know guys don't stand around the locker room checking out each others' private parts, but sometimes somebody sees something. I witnessed similar situations in junior high. Nobody's foreskin status made it around the rumor mill, but I certainly heard allegations about size and lack thereof.
I confronted M's social stigma argument with statistics showing that the majority of boys born in the United States are left intact, and that by the time baby boy is in junior high, a minority of his classmates will be circumcised. It failed to sway him.
His second piece of ammunition is "I survived, and so will he." M is satisfied and confident in his opinion. He doesn't want to read up on the issue. He was circumcised at birth. He doesn't miss his foreskin or have traumatic memories. Why should it be any different for his son?
We're at a stalemate right now. I want M to watch a video of infant circumcision so he has to come face to face with what he wants to have done to baby boy. Other than that, I don't know what to do. How do you compromise on an issue like this?
The compromise is leaving it up to the owner of the penis in question--not just the owner of A penis. What your husband wants can't be undone. What you want can be undone by your son as easy as scheduling an appointment with a surgeon. The one intact friend my husband teased mercilessly never did go get circumcised. Hmmm. Guess it wasn't that bad.
ReplyDeleteI really recommend reading that essay "The Vulnerability of Men" to understand where your normally reasonable husband is coming from. (I posted the link in your first circ post.) The fact that your husband doesn't want to think or read about it suggests to me that your husband, like mine, is really not coming at this from a rational place. Logical argument is really not going to sway him (but if you're like me it probably won't stop you from trying). It's really not about your boy, it's about him, and what he needs to deny and/or rationalize. There was a great post on the Mothering forums a long time ago where the poster said she could not allow her husband to work out his mental static on the body of their newborn child. Neither can you. Follow your instincts--protect your baby.
I've been where you are, exactly where you are. My husband is actually still angry with me about it. But you know what? I'll gladly suffer my husband's baseless and irrational anger rather than my son's righteous anger at the loss of HIS body part for no good reason. Your son's body is not a marital bargaining chip.
His body, his decision.
~Melissa
http://womanuncensored.blogspot.com/2009/12/would-you-circumcise-your-daughter.html
http://www.adriancolesberry.com/life/?p=554
Sorry you're in such a difficult position. It makes me glad that my husband and I had these conversations before we were even expecting. (Although we might see how he feels about it again when we find out if we are in fact having a boy.) I have no advice, but I think Melissa's comment was very thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you, Melissa. I especially appreciated this part of your comment: "she could not allow her husband to work out his mental static on the body of their newborn child." And I appreciate that you've been in this situation before.
ReplyDeleteNo, this is not a marital bargaining chip, nor are we treating it like one. It's an issue my husband and I have each discovered we feel strongly about. M may be working out his own mental static, but from his perspective, he's being a fierce daddy bear doing what he perceives as best for his son's mental well-being, however irrational it appears to me and a lot of other people out there. It's not as simple as digging my heels into the ground and telling him I'm right, you're wrong.
Ideally, I want baby boy to be left intact and my husband and I to not resent each other in the process. We have 3 more months to get there.
Melissa, I also read the essay you linked to. That way of thinking is a big part of why I've recently developed such strong opinions about this issue. I'd love to hear from more women who have been in this position.
I'd make him come up with a better argument FOR it than just not being teased in school. You've done your research and made your decision. He is obligated to do some research and come up with his opinion. If you're going to have stats and solid research to back up your side, he should too.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is circumcised but our boys are not. It was a mutual decision for us. Once we started looking at the research together he was absolutely, without question, in favor of keeping our boys intact. FWIW, NONE of our friends and relatives have left their boys intact. I'm not concerned at all about my boys being teased. I'll just tell them that we decided not to cut off any of their body parts when they were babies.
And I totally agree with Melissa's comment, "The compromise is leaving it up to the owner of the penis in question--not just the owner of A penis. What your husband wants can't be undone. What you want can be undone by your son as easy as scheduling an appointment with a surgeon."
My husband and I had the same issue. My whole extended family was for circ as well! My own mother begged and tried to bribe both me and my husband to circ our now 7month old son.
ReplyDeleteI told my husband to please research because i was very uncomfortable with doing this procedure to our infant son. I am glad he was open to researching it and he came to the conclusion that it was unnecessary and we had no other issues. I stand by my choice and if my son wants a circ when he is old enough to make that choice i will gladly make the appointment and pay for the procedure myself.
Most of the reasons people still do circ is due to misinformation. If your hubby is making this choice with misinformation or the fear that your son will be teased it is not enough! BTW who was not teased for some reason or another in junior high??? Hope you can both reach a mutual choice in the end. Protect your son... I think he will thank you when he is older.