Attention Breastfeeding Moms: Don't Fall for These Guilt-trips

Going into my most recent visit with my father-in-law, I thought I was prepared for anything. He's known for unabashedly spouting his opinions on M and I's career choices and place of residence. And just 36 hours after giving birth, he told me that I still look pregnant. That's hard to top.

But wouldn't ya know, he managed to trip my trigger again. It was about 8pm. Cam was asleep on my lap and most likely completely out for the night, and I was enjoying a glass of red wine.

"You drink alcohol and nurse that baby?" he said.

Usually, I let things slide off my back with my father-in-law, but this, I couldn't let go.

"That's offensive," I replied, and proceeded to cry. I wasn't prepared to launch into defense mode with the research I've done and decisions I've made, nor was my father-in-law interested in listening to that.

It's taken me awhile to articulate my thoughts on this subject. As a novice breasfeeding mother, I had a sneaking suspicion that something was off. Now, after 10 months of breastfeeding, I think the standards that society holds breastfeeding mothers to are bull crap.

Allow me to explain. One of my favorite talks by Tara Brach—a buddhist psychologist I adore—goes something like this:

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,
If you can resist complaining & boring people with your troubles,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism & blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies & deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…
Then you are probably a dog.

Society seems to think breastfeeding mothers should be caffeine free, alcohol free, prescription drug free, spicy food free saints...er um dogs? No wonder only 31% of infants are breastfeeding at all at 9 months. Who would want to give up everything that makes them feel human, especially after going through 9 to 10 months of little to no alcohol and caffeine during pregnancy?

If you're getting ready to enter into a breastfeeding relationship, I encourage you to use common sense and avoid becoming overly obsessive about the following topics society tends to hone in on and have strong, unfounded, uncensored opinions about.

Food sensitivities: Chances are the diaper rash your baby has is not from that glass of orange juice you enjoyed with breakfast yesterday. And that gas that's bothering him is highly unlikely to be related to the broccoli you ate at dinner. True, babies can have food sensitivies to proteins and other things that end up in your breastmilk. (Using common sense and observation, I found my baby had a dairy sensitivity.) If your baby is overly fussy, by all means experiment if you feel so led. But please don't relegate yourself to a diet of just green beans and fish. You need your calories and your sanity to keep going.

Alcohol: If you enjoy drinking alcohol in moderation, there is no need to become a puritan as a breastfeeding mother. There's no need to pump and dump and, depending on who you ask, no need to wait two hours to nurse your baby after one drink. I've found that the guidelines from various professional associations, experts, and research are wildly vague and inconsistent on breastfeeding and alcohol. My solution has been moderation and common sense.

Caffeine: Consuming coffee or other sources of caffeine does not decrease milk supply, and less than 2% of what you take in ends up in your breastmilk. Especially if you are a sleep-deprived working mother, don't let anyone tell you that you can't have your morning coffee. Again, it's worth using common sense and observation to see if your baby shows signs of sensitivity to caffeine. The younger he is, the higher the chance of it affecting him. And, as always, practice moderation.

Medications: If you think you might be depressed, don't be afraid to seek treatment. Talk therapy can work wonders, but if medication becomes necessary, there are options compatible with breastfeeding. There are also medications that are not off limits for when you have a cold, a headache, or some other ailment.

By breastfeeding your baby, you are giving him an amazing source of nourishment—both physical and emotional. Don't let people reign in on your parade by analyzing you as the possible cause behind baby's normal adjustments to life outside the womb and developmental phases.

My father-in-law and I ended up resolving our spat pretty easily. He apologized and tried to pour me another glass of wine, which I politely turned down in the name of moderation.