For me, having a baby has been like falling in love all over again. I've been head over heels for Cam from the minute my pee stick came back positive. But life with M since Cam came along has been a different experience.
It's tempting to frame up our post-baby marriage in a neat, tight story. But in all honesty, it's complicated, and we're still in the thick of the transformation. For those of you expecting babies in the near future, this post isn't going to be as insightful as Stuff You Need for the First 3 - 6 Months or Cloth Diapers: Yes You Can! Nevertheless, here it goes.
What I've learned so far is:
There's no such thing as 50/50. With a baby in the house, we both give 150%, and we don't give each other enough credit. Too often we get stuck in a competition of who is working the most in the office and at home. We're both sure we can't possibly give another ounce and that the other person must be hoarding some energy reserve that they should be donating to the family cause.
Adult time as a couple is hard to come by. We don't live near family and haven't found a babysitter, so the only time we get out alone as a couple is when we visit family out of town. Adult time was especially hard to come by during the newborn days when at any moment Cam could go nuclear and requier undivided attention.
Intimacy is different. If you're pregnant, you're already living this reality. Just like my body, our post-baby love life didn't snap back into place overnight. Things were altered physically, and M had to reconcile seeing me as mother and lover. It's easy to take these changes personally—and believe my I have.
Kids and money are intense. Whatever fire is lacking in the bedroom, we've found in our collisions around parenting and finances. M and I were raised in radically different environments, so not surprisingly, we have opposing views of what is best for Cam in terms of child care. And kids are expensive. No matter what you choose—paying for child care or giving up your job to stay home with your baby—your budget will take a hit.
It's normal. The reason I'm writing this post is because I suspect that what M and I are experiencing is very common. We have both admitted to each other that we've had moments when we felt like marriage shouldn't be this hard. But post-baby, it is this hard. And it doesn't mean that we're failing or doing a bad job. It means we're both working really hard and navigating a transition every bit as intense as creating new life.
As Cam closes in on 10 months old, I would describe M and I's relationship as weathered and tenacious. We're lucky that it only takes an evening out alone or an especially good family nap to tap into the raw connection we built our marriage on. But we're going to have to keep working on it if we expect to keep it.
I work with midwives, so when I was pregnant I frequently asked for advice. Without question, the number-one tip each midwife told me—independently—was to not forget about my husband. Out of all the advice they could have given as mothers and midwives, most said to go on a date night once per week. I'm certain they are absolutely right.
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